FUMES
Today, the day began peacefully. I decided to skip first class to study, and then the rest of the day rolled really good. But still, something happened. Something that stirred up all my emotions. I feel... really exhausted. Seems as if I went back in time, back in time to those dark and hollow times, where I couldn't even remember my own name. Those days where I wandered alone on the streets, walking Deep in thought, thinking about all those opportunities I could get to just end everything. Sometimes even, I just hurried home and avoided my parents because I just wanted to cry alone in my room. I don't have time to explain, nor I want to. I will take me back even more deeply, and I am currently quite devastated, don't need anymore.
He, Jonghyun, an idol, commited suicide today. And he, along with his suicide letter, made me, again, remember what depression did to me, and what can cause to everyone. It just, hurts. Hurts because I can relate, hurts because I know I could be the one to be dead, if I continued, hurts because it just angers me. He said he wanted to be happy, and that he was going to fight for it. But, in the end, he succumbed. His light of hope just... dissapeared.
Even if he was famous, I don't care. Actually, I didn't even know his name until today. What hit me hard was that no one knew about his condition, yet his songs and lyrics talked so openly about that issue. It also makes me mad and vexing when I see korean companies treating depression as an obstacule, since they won't accept a depressed idol, or will even try to fire them if they are in that state.
So many lives can be helped with just Little attention. If we turn our backs to it, we will see deaths where we weren't even specting. But I've been there. I've been lively and energetic, I've faked and faked. And it usually passes. No, I correct, it always passes. Ppl thought I had mood swings, since some days I was excited and happy, and others I was just down, rude, quiet, lost in thought. Those were the days when I didn't even want to fake anymore. Honestly, so many days have been where I just cried until 3 in the morning, slept and hated myself once I opened my eyes. "Why am I still live". I would wonder.
I've been in deep shit. Experienced it myself, and it just feels like fighting invisible demons that live inside you, that take your form, because the biggest harmful thoughts are just, what you tell yourself. Your biggest fear and monster is you. The one to blame is no other than you. Self-hatred. It. Is. So.Toxic. It takes you down in every little task. Even to just wake up or stand up.
I've been crying. Not because I am a fangirl. Not because I am sensible or just overreacting.
I've been crying because I can relate. And because I survived my own hell, and made it. I am here today. But he didn't. He has been suffering what I suffered, but even worse. My hell was the worst hell I have experienced. But still mantained hope. Even though I felt everything fall apart, even when I had thought about throwing myself at the road. I resisted. That was the worst for me. But he, he couldn't. It was too much. It just, breaks my heart. I just imagine the ammount of suffering he had to take a choice like that. 'Cause even when you have those thoughts, you always remain waiting with a mini light inside your heart. With hope. That hurts you even more, because it always saves you from dying. He had so much pain, so much, I just... ugh.
I won't be able to sleep today. He wanted to be happy but got lost on the walk. I just hope that the depressed fans take into account that he didn't want to die. He wanted to find happiness. But he couldn't do it, because hope and light was lost. He decided to find peace, and a pause. He failed on getting the happiness he wanted, but it's ok. He did well. He worked hard. He suffered but still stood there. It's just that... the monster inside him won.
Please promise me, promise him, that you will strive for happiness no matter what. Since it was his goal after all. He would be proud. Please. All the struggle and pain is a living hell. But it's worth it. Use it. Use it to find happiness and to love yourself. Please, use it as a motivation. The path is really rough but I promise you, getting true happiness is totally worth it. You won't find it if you end up all your hard work into trying to keep being alive everyday by suiciding. Please. You won't know what true happiness is if you end everything. Don't give up.
It's worth it. And you'll find it. You'll find it since you already know what the deepest and worst hell is. So you'll feel the happiness. You'll know right away. Please. You'll be proud of yourself. Everyday you get to know you and your hell better. You then understand how your brain works. You gotta find yourself in that night. You can get help, profesional help, that can gide you on the path. But you are the one that is able to stand in your own to feet. No one else. Because it is YOUR happiness. I assure you, you'll be able to find it. Because you won't need to search for it. You'll BUILD it. With your mind, slowly, but you'll do it. You'll be able to do it yourself, because you are strong.
You have been enduring it everyday, you are really strong for being able to put through all of that. So you see, you already did that, you are strong. You are capable to take another baby step. Keep going forward. You've been through hell, you know how it is and how it tastes. That's why you know that it can't be worse. What keeps making it worse is you and your thoughts. So try to change them. Try to grasp hard into that light of hope. And make it bigger. So that the pain can erase, at least a little.
You can make efforts to get better. Little by Little. But, eventually, you'll get it.Is not something that can be done inmediately. But it can be done. Be patient. You've been patient until know. You can do it.
He, Jonghyun, an idol, commited suicide today. And he, along with his suicide letter, made me, again, remember what depression did to me, and what can cause to everyone. It just, hurts. Hurts because I can relate, hurts because I know I could be the one to be dead, if I continued, hurts because it just angers me. He said he wanted to be happy, and that he was going to fight for it. But, in the end, he succumbed. His light of hope just... dissapeared.
Even if he was famous, I don't care. Actually, I didn't even know his name until today. What hit me hard was that no one knew about his condition, yet his songs and lyrics talked so openly about that issue. It also makes me mad and vexing when I see korean companies treating depression as an obstacule, since they won't accept a depressed idol, or will even try to fire them if they are in that state.
So many lives can be helped with just Little attention. If we turn our backs to it, we will see deaths where we weren't even specting. But I've been there. I've been lively and energetic, I've faked and faked. And it usually passes. No, I correct, it always passes. Ppl thought I had mood swings, since some days I was excited and happy, and others I was just down, rude, quiet, lost in thought. Those were the days when I didn't even want to fake anymore. Honestly, so many days have been where I just cried until 3 in the morning, slept and hated myself once I opened my eyes. "Why am I still live". I would wonder.
I've been in deep shit. Experienced it myself, and it just feels like fighting invisible demons that live inside you, that take your form, because the biggest harmful thoughts are just, what you tell yourself. Your biggest fear and monster is you. The one to blame is no other than you. Self-hatred. It. Is. So.Toxic. It takes you down in every little task. Even to just wake up or stand up.
I've been crying. Not because I am a fangirl. Not because I am sensible or just overreacting.
I've been crying because I can relate. And because I survived my own hell, and made it. I am here today. But he didn't. He has been suffering what I suffered, but even worse. My hell was the worst hell I have experienced. But still mantained hope. Even though I felt everything fall apart, even when I had thought about throwing myself at the road. I resisted. That was the worst for me. But he, he couldn't. It was too much. It just, breaks my heart. I just imagine the ammount of suffering he had to take a choice like that. 'Cause even when you have those thoughts, you always remain waiting with a mini light inside your heart. With hope. That hurts you even more, because it always saves you from dying. He had so much pain, so much, I just... ugh.
I won't be able to sleep today. He wanted to be happy but got lost on the walk. I just hope that the depressed fans take into account that he didn't want to die. He wanted to find happiness. But he couldn't do it, because hope and light was lost. He decided to find peace, and a pause. He failed on getting the happiness he wanted, but it's ok. He did well. He worked hard. He suffered but still stood there. It's just that... the monster inside him won.
Please promise me, promise him, that you will strive for happiness no matter what. Since it was his goal after all. He would be proud. Please. All the struggle and pain is a living hell. But it's worth it. Use it. Use it to find happiness and to love yourself. Please, use it as a motivation. The path is really rough but I promise you, getting true happiness is totally worth it. You won't find it if you end up all your hard work into trying to keep being alive everyday by suiciding. Please. You won't know what true happiness is if you end everything. Don't give up.
It's worth it. And you'll find it. You'll find it since you already know what the deepest and worst hell is. So you'll feel the happiness. You'll know right away. Please. You'll be proud of yourself. Everyday you get to know you and your hell better. You then understand how your brain works. You gotta find yourself in that night. You can get help, profesional help, that can gide you on the path. But you are the one that is able to stand in your own to feet. No one else. Because it is YOUR happiness. I assure you, you'll be able to find it. Because you won't need to search for it. You'll BUILD it. With your mind, slowly, but you'll do it. You'll be able to do it yourself, because you are strong.
You have been enduring it everyday, you are really strong for being able to put through all of that. So you see, you already did that, you are strong. You are capable to take another baby step. Keep going forward. You've been through hell, you know how it is and how it tastes. That's why you know that it can't be worse. What keeps making it worse is you and your thoughts. So try to change them. Try to grasp hard into that light of hope. And make it bigger. So that the pain can erase, at least a little.
You can make efforts to get better. Little by Little. But, eventually, you'll get it.Is not something that can be done inmediately. But it can be done. Be patient. You've been patient until know. You can do it.
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