History repeats itself

 So, I am at it again.

I am getting mood swings, crying for nothing, stressing myself over the fact that I am not capable of studying properly. Is there even anything I can do well?

I suck at communicating with my parents. I suck at being sociable or even likeable and nice around my friends.

Don't even get me started on that boyfriend that I negleted so badly. 

Tomorrow is the exam. I truly believe tjat my professor didn't tell me how bad I sucked just so I wouldn't get depressed and play even worse than today tomorrow, if it's even possible.

Overall, this week has been just weird, psinful, frustrating, all over the place. 

What even. 

I don't know anymore. 

I came hwre to just be humiliated. 

Humiliated by how badly I play. 

By how badly I handle preassure. 

By how much of a stupid human I am. 

In the end, we are now at the same point. 

I started cutting again. 

I started crying again. 

I started feeling as shitty as before again. 

I don't sleep, I almost don't eat and I throw up. Like wtf is this.

I shouldn't ever had done erasmus. 

This is not for me. 

I wasn't even meant to be born anyway. 

It was just a chance that they found me and a chance that I ended up surviving. 

But if this was natural selection, I would be long dead. 

So is there even meaning for me to be here anymore. 

There probably isn't any. 

But, as always, I'm too coward to end it all.

A fucking sensible stupid little coward who doesn't know what to do.