I'm deep in

 So yesterday I had this fucking art exam that I was supposed to slay. Or maybe not slay, but do at the maximum of my capacities.  I was supposed to, you know, at least like the fucking drawing that I did and just be confident enough to know that I passed. But it wasn't the case.

It went wrong. It went horribly horribly wrong. I don't know what happened, but that piece of artwork, if it is even fit to be called artowork, does not represent me or what I can do. It represents the utter failure that I was yesterday, trying to make a drawing in 4 hours in a medium I had never used before and focusing on the scenery, which I never focus on in the first place too.

I just showed I had "ideas" and not even that because the damn sketches were all bad and rushed. 

I didn't put the fucking date, I didn't make it on time, I made a mistake and made the ink run, like come on.

It just sucked. I cried so much yesterday. I also fell asleep in the couch woke up at 5 am after fucking dreaming about my ex boyfriend, him being dissapointed in me and me getting COVID. So I watched tik tok while I cried again.

Today I cried too. I just. I just feel so tired of not being enough. When does this end? When does one make the transformation, the evolution? I just can't seem to see it come to me ever. It just. Keeps going in circles. It's always me messing up important things.

Being a failure to me. 

This was a test to get into a university to study something I've liked since I was a kid. I don't know about others but I sure know what I want, and I want to learn. I want to learn and this was my chance to do so.

I'm just so frustrated. It is my one chance to study in an enviroment similar to what I want. I don't want to keep pursuing this alone, I don't want to continue going against the tide.

I WANNA BE A FIGHTER. 

When will this... end?